The Four Horsemen: Recognizing and Replacing Harmful Relationship Patterns

Every relationship faces conflict but how we handle conflict determines whether we grow closer or grow apart. At One Mindset Go Counseling, we often help couples identify recurring patterns that may be sabotaging their connection without them even realizing it.

One of the most powerful tools we use is the Four Horsemen framework, developed by renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman. These four behaviors are strong predictors of relationship breakdown but with awareness and intention, they can be replaced with healthier communication styles.

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint it attacks your partner’s character or personality.

Example: “You’re so selfish you never think about anyone but yourself.”

Instead of criticizing, try using a gentle startup that focuses on your feelings and needs. Try this: “I felt really hurt when I wasn’t included in that decision. Can we talk about it?”

2. Contempt

Contempt is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. It includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mockery and it sends a clear message of disrespect and superiority.

Example: “Oh, of course you forgot again. Why am I even surprised?”

The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Regular expressions of gratitude and acknowledgment can transform your relationship.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of shifting blame and avoiding responsibility. It escalates conflict rather than resolving it.

Example: “It’s not my fault you’re always so sensitive.”

A more effective approach is to take some responsibility, even if you don’t believe you’re entirely at fault. Try this: “I can see how that came off the wrong way. That wasn’t my intention.”

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down or withdraws emotionally, often due to feeling overwhelmed. While it may seem like a way to avoid conflict, it creates distance and disconnection.

Signs of Stonewalling:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Leaving the room abruptly

• Giving the silent treatment

Solution: Practice self-soothing. Take a break to calm down and return to the conversation when you feel regulated and ready to engage constructively.

How OMG Counseling Can Support You

If you’re noticing any of these patterns in your relationship, you’re not alone. At One Mindset Go Counseling, we use research-based methods like the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and CBT to help couples:

• Improve communication

• Rebuild emotional intimacy

• Strengthen trust

• Break the cycle of destructive conflict

You don’t have to wait until things fall apart getting support early can make all the difference.

Let’s work together to create healthier, more connected relationships.

Contact Us to schedule a consultation or learn more about how we can help.