Did You Learn To Hide Your True Self? 5 Gentle Signs You Grew Up Masking

Growing up, many of us learned an unspoken rule:

“Be whoever keeps the peace.”

You might not have called it “masking” back then. Maybe it was “being easy,” “not causing drama,” or “being the strong one.” But masking is exactly that hiding or reshaping parts of yourself to feel safer, more acceptable, or more lovable.

Masking isn’t just a neurodivergent experience (though it’s common for autistic and ADHD folks). It can show up for anyone who grew up in homes where big feelings, needs, or boundaries felt “too much.”

This post explores five gentle signs you may have grown up masking without realizing it and what healing can look like now.

What Is “Masking”?

Masking is when you:

• Hide or soften your emotions

• Change how you talk, act, or react

• Push down your needs and preferences

…in order to feel safe, accepted, or loved.

It often starts in environments where:

• Parents’ moods were unpredictable

• Love or attention felt conditional

• There was conflict, addiction, mental illness, or chronic stress

• You were praised for being “good,” “mature,” or “easy” not for being real

Masking is not being fake. It’s your nervous system doing its best to protect you.

1. You Read the Room Before You Decide Who To Be

You don’t just walk into a room you scan it.

You notice:

• Who’s in a bad mood

• Who seems tense or upset

• What topics feel “safe” and what feels risky

Before you speak, you’re already calculating:

• Will this upset someone?

• Will they think I’m too sensitive, too needy, too much?

• What version of me is the least likely to cause a problem?

You may change your:

• Tone of voice

• Opinions

• Humor

• Energy level

depending on who you’re with.

You’re not being dishonest you’re trying to avoid conflict, rejection, or shame. At some point, you learned that safety = being whoever the room needs you to be.

Healing might look like:

• Noticing, without judgment, when you start shape-shifting

• Letting yourself disagree kindly or share a different opinion

• Allowing your natural laugh, facial expressions, and reactions to show up even if it feels vulnerable

2. You Struggle To Answer: “What Do You Like?”

If someone asks:

• “What do you want to eat?”

• “What’s your favorite music?”

• “What do you want to do this weekend?”

…you might freeze.

Your default responses might sound like:

• “I’m good with whatever.”

• “I don’t care, you choose.”

• “I don’t really know.”

When you’ve spent years suppressing your own wants to keep other people comfortable, your preferences can go blurry. Having needs may even feel selfish or dangerous.

You might notice:

• You only realize what you don’t want when you’re already overwhelmed

• You feel guilty when you have a clear preference

• You say yes when your whole body is saying no

Healing might look like:

• Practicing small choices: coffee or tea, staying in or going out, this show or that one

• Asking yourself: “If nobody else had an opinion, what would I choose?”

• Reminding yourself: your needs are not a burden they are information.

3. You Feel Secretly Exhausted After Social Time

From the outside, you may look:

• Outgoing

• Friendly

• Helpful

• Easy to talk to

But afterwards, you feel drained like you’ve run an emotional marathon.

That exhaustion often comes from:

• Constantly monitoring yourself: How am I coming across? Am I being too much? Too quiet? Too loud?

• Playing a role: the caretaker, the funny one, the listener, the fixer, the strong one

• Holding back your real feelings so you don’t “ruin the mood” or “start something”

Masking is work. Even if you love the people you’re with, your nervous system might be on high alert the entire time.

You might notice:

• You need a lot of alone time after social events

• You replay conversations and cringe about small things you said

• People “like” you, but don’t truly know you

Healing might look like:

• Paying attention to who you feel more relaxed and authentic with

• Letting yourself be quieter or less “on” around safe people

• Leaving a little earlier or scheduling downtime after social events without guilt

4. You Minimize Your Pain Because “Other People Had It Worse”

A very common sign of masking is downplaying your own story.

You might catch yourself saying:

• “My childhood wasn’t that bad.”

• “Other people had it way worse.”

• “I don’t want to be dramatic.”

If you were the one who had to keep it together, you may have learned to swallow your feelings so the family could function. You might have been:

• Supporting a parent emotionally

• Caring for siblings

• Trying not to add “more stress”

So you became grateful, agreeable, and “fine” even when things hurt.

Minimizing your pain can be a way to avoid touching it. If it “wasn’t that bad,” you don’t have to feel grief, anger, or sadness about it.

Healing might look like:

• Allowing two things to be true:

  • Yes, others may have had it worse

  • And what you went through still matters

• Naming what actually happened, without sugarcoating

• Letting yourself feel anger, hurt, or disappointment you weren’t allowed to feel as a child

This isn’t about staying stuck in blame. It’s about giving your story the honesty and compassion it deserves.

5. You Don’t Fully Trust That People Would Stay if They Saw the “Real You”

Underneath long-term masking, there is often a quiet fear:

“If people really knew me, they would leave.”

So you:

• Hide emotions that feel “too much” (jealousy, sadness, anger, loneliness)

• Over-function in relationships always giving more, doing more, proving your worth

• Apologize for having needs, boundaries, or mental health struggles

You may have learned:

• Love came with strings attached

• You were praised for being “good,” “low-maintenance,” or “strong”

• When you showed big feelings, you were mocked, shut down, or ignored

So your relationships now are often built on a silent bargain:

“I’ll be helpful, kind, and put-together. Just don’t leave.”

Healing might look like:

• Trying small experiments in vulnerability:

  • “I’m actually feeling anxious about this.”

  • “I could use some reassurance right now.”

  • “I’m hurt, and I’d like to talk about it.”

• Letting yourself notice who leans in when you’re real—and who only sticks around when you’re “easy”

• Slowly building relationships where you don’t have to perform to be chosen

The people who are meant to be in your life will want access to you, not just the edited version.

If You See Yourself in This, You’re Not Alone

If you recognize yourself in these signs, it doesn’t mean you failed.

It means you adapted.

You learned to:

• Sense danger early

• Keep the peace

• Hold things together

• Be what other people needed

Masking often kept you safe in environments that didn’t feel emotionally secure.

Now, as an adult, you get to learn something new:

• You’re allowed to take up space

• You’re allowed to have needs

• You’re allowed to be known not just useful, pleasant, or “easy”

Moving From Masking to Authenticity (Gently)

Unmasking doesn’t mean tearing everything down overnight. It can be slow, intentional, and kind.

Here are a few places to begin:

1. Notice Without Judging

Start by simply noticing when you’re masking:

• “I just laughed that off, but I actually felt hurt.”

• “I said yes, but my body really wanted to say no.”

• “I changed my opinion so they wouldn’t be upset.”

Awareness is the first act of self-compassion.

2. Practice Micro-Honesty

You don’t have to start with huge disclosures. You can begin with tiny shifts:

• “Actually, I’m pretty tired I might head out early.”

• “I’m not a big fan of that restaurant. Could we pick another?”

• “Today I’m not feeling very social.”

The goal isn’t to be brutally honest it’s to be gently more honest with yourself and others.

3. Create Spaces Where You Don’t Have To Perform

Healing is much easier when you have at least one space where your only job is to be real, not “good.”

That might be:

• A friendship where you can be messy, emotional, or quiet

• A journal where you say what you really feel

• A therapy space where you can explore who you are beneath the mask

  
  

4. Listen to Your Body

Masking doesn’t just live in your thoughts it lives in your body.

Notice:

• Does your chest tighten around certain people?

• Do you feel your shoulders drop when you’re alone?

• Do you get headaches, stomach knots, or fatigue after certain interactions?

Your body often tells the truth before your words do.

Therapy as a Place To Unmask

If you grew up masking, it can feel scary to “just be yourself,” especially if that was never safe before.

Therapy can offer a space where:

• Your feelings are not “too much”

• Your story is taken seriously

• You don’t have to earn care by performing or pleasing

  
  

At One Mindset Go Counseling, we support teens, adults, couples, and high-achievers who are tired of performing and ready to feel more grounded, seen, and connected to themselves.