Co-Parenting During the Holidays: How to Protect Your Kids (and Your Sanity)

Holidays are supposed to be magical… but if you’re co-parenting, they can also feel exhausting, tense, and complicated.

There are schedules to juggle, gifts to coordinate, in-laws to manage, and underneath all of it a little (or big) swirl of grief that “family holidays” don’t look the way you imagined.

If that’s you, you’re not failing. You’re human. And you can still create holidays that feel meaningful, stable, and even peaceful for your kids.

In this post, we’ll walk through some practical ways to navigate co-parenting during the holidays so you can lower drama, protect your nervous system, and keep the focus on what matters most: your children feeling safe and loved.

1. Start With the Big Picture: What Do You Want Your Kids to Remember?

Before you open the calendar or send a single text, pause and ask yourself:

“If my kids look back on these holidays in 10 years, what do I want them to remember?”

Most parents say some version of:

• “I want them to remember feeling loved.”

• “I want them to remember that even though things were different, they still had good holidays.”

• “I want them to remember that we tried our best to put them first.”

Let this big picture guide your decisions.

Sometimes that means:

• Saying yes to a plan that isn’t your favorite, because it gives your kids stability.

• Letting go of “perfectly equal” in favor of “what’s least stressful for the kids.”

• Choosing peace over being right in one more argument about pickup times.

When you feel yourself getting pulled into power struggles or old wounds, gently return to that question: What do I want my kids to remember?

2. Make a Clear Plan (Don’t Wing It)

Holiday stress escalates when everything is last-minute and unclear.

Instead of waiting until the week of, try to:

• Plan early. Look at November–January as a season, not separate battles.

• Write it down. Text or email the plan so it’s not “he said / she said.”

• Use neutral language. Stick to facts: dates, times, locations—less emotion, more clarity.

Example of a neutral planning message:

“For this year, I’m thinking: Christmas Eve: with me until 3 PM, then you from 3 PM overnight. Christmas Day: we swap at 12 PM so each of us gets time. Let me know your thoughts so we can confirm something that feels fair and predictable for them.”

You don’t have to love the plan. But your kids do need predictability.

3. Focus on Fair, Not Equal

Co-parenting often gets stuck in “equal”:

• “I had them last Christmas morning, so it’s my turn this year.”

• “You got three overnights and I only got two.”

It’s understandable to want fairness, especially if there’s a history of hurt. But holidays rarely split perfectly down the middle, and chasing exact equality can actually increase resentment.

Instead, try this mindset:

• Fair = child-focused. What arrangement gives your kids connection, stability, and rest?

• Think big picture. Maybe one parent gets more time on Christmas, but the other has New Year’s or Spring Break.

• Trade time, not tension. You can always offer makeup time another weekend rather than fighting over a few hours.

Ask: Does this plan make emotional sense for the kids? If the answer is yes, you’re on the right track even if the minutes aren’t exactly 50/50.

4. Build Your Own Traditions (Instead of Competing)

It’s easy to get stuck in comparison:

• “They’re doing the big family dinner.”

• “He can afford bigger gifts.”

• “She’s more ‘fun’ than I am.”

But kids don’t only remember “big” and “expensive.” They remember consistent and special.

If you don’t have Christmas morning, you can still create magic:

• Christmas Eve “pajama and movie” night with hot cocoa.

• Decorating cookies, even if it’s a simple store-bought kit.

• A walk to look at neighborhood lights.

• A silly tradition that becomes “your thing” (like ugly sweater selfies or board game night).

It’s not about competing with the other parent. It’s a bout letting your kids feel: “I have beautiful memories with both of my parents.”

5. Keep Adult Feelings With Adults (Not the Kids)

Holidays can stir up:

• Grief about the relationship that ended

• Anger about unfair behavior

• Loneliness when you’re without the kids

These emotions are real and valid. They just aren’t your child’s responsibility to manage.

Try to avoid:

• Venting about your co-parent to your child

• Making comments like “I’m all alone for Christmas” or “Your dad/mom ruined the holidays”

• Asking kids to choose where they’d rather be

Instead, you can:

• Vent to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group.

• Journal, cry, or rage privately. (Your feelings need space too.)

• Use neutral language with your kids:

  “You’ll be with Dad for Christmas this year and with me for New Year’s. I’m going to miss you, and I’m excited for you to have a good time there.”

Kids feel safest when they’re allowed to love both parents without guilt.

6. Manage Tricky Extended Family Dynamics

Sometimes the hardest part of co-parenting during the holidays isn’t your ex—it’s your family’s feelings about your ex.

Grandparents, siblings, or cousins might:

• Make negative comments about the other parent.

• Ask the kids prying questions.

• Show disappointment about the holiday schedule.

You can gently set boundaries ahead of time:

“Please don’t say anything negative about their mom/dad in front of them. They’re already adjusting to a lot, and I want this to feel like a safe space.”

“If you have feelings about the schedule, talk to me privately, not to the kids.”

You’re allowed to protect your children from adult drama—even if it means having uncomfortable conversations with relatives.

7. Prepare Your Kids Emotionally, Not Just Logistically

Kids handle transitions better when they know what to expect.

A few days before, try:

• Walking through the plan:

  “On Christmas Eve, you’ll be here with me. After breakfast on Christmas Day, I’ll drive you to Dad’s. Then I’ll pick you up the next day.”

• Naming feelings as normal:

  “Sometimes kids feel happy and sad at the same time during the holidays. It’s okay if you miss me when you’re with Dad, and it’s okay if you have fun there too.”

• Giving them simple coping tools:

  • A small item to bring back and forth (stuffed animal, bracelet, photo).

  • A plan for check-ins (“We’ll FaceTime goodnight if you want.”).

The goal is not to erase their discomfort, but to show them: “Whatever you feel, I can handle it.”

8. Lower Your Expectations (Perfection Is Not the Goal)

Co-parenting during the holidays is often messy:

• Someone will be late.

• Plans might change.

• Texts might be misread.

• You might cry in the bathroom between wrapping presents.

This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re navigating something very hard.

Instead of chasing a Pinterest-perfect holiday, aim for:

• Good enough. Kids don’t need flawless they need warmth and presence.

• Repair when needed. If you snap, apologize.

  “I’m sorry I was short earlier. I’m feeling stressed, but that’s not your fault.”

• Tiny moments of joy. A shared joke. A quiet game. Hot chocolate. These small things matter.

Your kids don’t need perfection. They need a parent who keeps showing up.

9. Take Care of Yourself Too

You might have hours—maybe even days—without your kids over the holidays. That absence can feel heavy.

Instead of filling it only with numbing (doom-scrolling, overspending, overdrinking), try to include some intentional care:

• Time with a friend who really “gets it”

• A comforting meal or hot drink ritual

• A walk, workout, or yoga anything to move the stress out of your body

• A movie you love, a book, or a creative hobby

• Journaling about what you’re proud of this year

You are allowed to have a meaningful holiday even if your life doesn’t look like the holiday commercials.

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s part of how you show up regulated and present for your kids when they’re with you.

10. When Co-Parenting Is Really Hard, Get Support

Sometimes co-parenting is not just “complicated” it’s truly high-conflict, unpredictable, or unsafe. Maybe your co-parent:

• Refuses to follow the parenting plan

• Uses the kids to send messages

• Is verbally abusive in texts or calls

• Frequently cancels or changes plans last minute

If that’s your reality, you deserve support:

• Therapy can help you regulate, set boundaries, and build scripts for difficult conversations.

• Legal guidance may be necessary if agreements are being violated.

• Support groups (online or local) can help you feel less alone.

You are not meant to carry all of this by yourself.

Final Thoughts: You’re Doing Better Than You Think

If you’re reading this and actively trying to make the holidays gentler for your kids you are already doing so much.

Co-parenting during the holidays is not about getting every detail right. It’s about:

• Returning to your values when things get tense

• Letting your kids feel loved by both parents

• Protecting them from adult conflict as much as possible

• Giving yourself permission to be human, not superhuman

And if you need help navigating all of this emotionally, practically, or both you’re not alone.

If you’re in California and looking for support with co-parenting, divorce, or blended family stress, you can reach out to schedule a session. We’ll work together on boundaries, communication scripts, and ways to make the holidays feel less like a battleground and more like a season of healing and connection.